Rudderless

Have you ever listened to the song Rudderless by the Lemonheads?  There’s a part that goes, “A ship without a rudder is like a ship wihout a rudder.”  There’s other parts that are quite lovely.  I’ll put the complete lyrics below.  Anyway, that ship without a rudder?  It’s me.  I am in the fucking abyss and cannot get out.

rowing

I do not miss James.  Nor do I yet feel tender to him or what caused him to be an abusive fuck.  That day will come and I look forward to it.  I am a forgiving person but I don’t know how you go about trying to forgive someone who wanted to destroy you when all you wanted to do was to love him.

I still feel lucky for each day I can mark off on the invisible calendar in my mind that he is gone from my life.  But I feel like I am left in all of these messed up pieces that I cannot for the life of me put back together.  Thankfully I don’t feel like this every day. But on the days I do, it’s so hard.  Today is one of those days.  So was yesterday.  And the day before that.  My hope for July being the happiest of months is fading quickly.

When I think about writing, the thing that has unequivocably saved me, I feel paraylzyed. I start out with an idea, write a paragraph.  Then delete it all.   Because while it is so healing for me to write the truth, to be honest about what domestic violence can look like, the idea that James will somehow stumble upon what I have written lurks everywhere.  Why?  A sociopath needs supply.  Supply doesn’t have to be positive.  The fact that I suffer still and, even better, write about it?  He would love that.  It would fill that empty teacup of a soul of his with a warm, comforting Earl Grey.  And for now I’m stuck inside of my head, my thoughts swirling around the rushing, white-capped waters of my brain.

Rudderless

Waiting for something to break
Left my heart out to bake
Nothing there in my glass
Wasn’t never made to last

Hope in my past
Hope in my past
Hope in my past

All the way down to the lake
Found the lake was wet
How much more could I take?
Better yet

Walked back home to my place
Tired of getting high
Guess I don’t wanna die

Hope in my past
Hope in my past
Hope in my past

Hope in my past
Hope in my past
Hope in my past

Waiting for something to break
Left my heart out to bake
Slipped my mind that I could use my brain
I’ll stay up all night, crash on the plane

A ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder

A ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder

A ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder

Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder
Is like a ship without a rudder

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