I broke up with James on a Saturday night. We had already broken up nearly 7 times in quick succession prior, with me doing the breaking up, him hoovering and me going back. I am not at all proud of that and wish I could say I did it once and that was it.
If you don’t know much about hoovering with a sociopath, take a peek here:
My safe exit plan*** involved a quick sayonara via text. I know that sounds cold but talking face to face could present danger and talking on the phone could put a crack in my resolve to be done. James is a master at twisting words and situations to place any blame directly upon me. One of his favorite things to tell me was that I was playing the victim.
In my text to him, I said that our relationship wasn’t healthy, that we were done and, in classic Jenny fashion dealing with James, that I was very sorry.
I knew without question that I would never have the real James back. That I was not James’ soulmate as he had claimed many times. That I wasn’t different from anyone else he’d ever met. That despite admitting he was abusive to me and promising he would get help, the likelihood of him actually going or things changing was slim to none. That the abuse would never end and that I deserved not just better but something extraordinary.
So I texted him and then immediately initiated, as I had done the seven times prior, the rest of the exit plan which was to block him from any and all parts of my life. My cell phone, my e-mail, Facebook and Instagram.
I also had to delete and block any of his friends, however much I liked them. And I liked them so much. But keeping them as part of my life in any way is unhelpful at the least and a way back in at the worst. Me doing all of these things was not an act of emotional immaturity, it was an act of survival.
After I hit send on my phone, I spent a tearful and scary night alone. I think I went through a box and a half of Kleenex. I didn’t sleep either that night or Sunday night. On Monday, I was very worried that he would show up at work but settled into my day despite my fear.
As I’ve mentioned in past blogs, I own a small business. I communicate heavily and nearly exclusively with my clients via e-mail and often check my spam filter for any lost messages. My heart sank when I opened spam and saw that James had sent an e-mail on Saturday night with “A Final Note” in the subject.
It was a cruel and hateful message that scared me to my very core. I read it twice, called my dad, called my attorney and headed to the DuPage Courthouse to file a temporary order of protection. Getting that order? Not at all an easy task. And that’s a story for another day.
*** It is so important that you develop a plan that will work for you. Leaving an abusive relationship is very dangerous, even if the abuser has not been physical with you in the past. Nothing is more important than you and your children’s safety. Please contact the National Domestic Violent hotline if you need help. I will provide a link below.