You Were a Kindness

I watched a movie with one of my besties last night.  It made me laugh.  It made me cry.  And it had a really good soundtrack.  She likes to say my taste in music is Sad Pop.  I don’t know that I agree with her on that one, but I suppose she may be onto something.

After the movie, I went straight to Spotify to find a few songs from the movie.  And as I listened to one song, Spotify suggested others and I just got sucked in as I always do.  A few hours later, my mind was walking through a forest of songs that left me feeling lonely, less lonely, understood, confused and all the other wonderful things that music does for me.

One song, “You Were a Kindness” by The National stopped me in my tracks.  It’s painful and it’s beautiful. The song asks the question that I’ve been asking myself since long before I ever walked away.  “Why would you shatter someone like me?”

shatter2

I am able to answer that question in a sterile kind of fashion, breaking down the pathology of someone who is wired like James.  But that is not the answer I am looking for in all of this.  Not at all.  That’s super that James’ personality creates a need to idealize, devalue and discard me.  And yes, a codpedenent, vulnerable, genuinely kind girl like me is perfect supply. I get all that of that crap.  I understand it too much and in ways that I don’t think I’ll ever properly convey.

I wonder if the question I really want answered is “Why can’t you just make this right?” James is so smart.  Can’t he fix what he’s done?  Even if he can’t fix himself, can’t he make something right in all of this mess.  I believe that I would sleep a little better if he could just tell me that he’s sorry.

I know I’ve said that I have to give up on hoping for an apology that I will never get. But it’s really hard.  You have no idea.  If I can begin to feel tenderness and forgiveness for him?  Why can’t he be sorry?  Because let’s look at this correctly.  I shouldn’t feel tender or forgiving.  I really shouldn’t.  And I don’t want to if I’m being really honest here. I want to stay angry.  But I cannot.

James?  I was a kindness.  I was careful around you, trying to navigate my way through your maze of abuse.  Can’t you make this right?

You Were a Kindess

I was in a fog, I didn’t notice everything 
Was coming all apart inside of me
There wasn’t anyway for anyone to settle in
You made a slow disaster out of me

There’s a radiant darkness upon us
But I don’t want you to worry
I was careful but nothing is harmless
Baby you better hurry

You were a kindness when I was a stranger
But I wouldn’t ask for what I didn’t need
Everything’s weird and we’re always in danger
Why would you shatter somebody like me

It doesn’t work that way
Wanting not to want you won’t make it so
It doesn’t work that way
Don’t leave me here alone

I’ll do what I can to be a confident wreck
Can’t feel this way forever I mean
There wasn’t anyway for anyone to settle in
You made a slow disaster out of me

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