Well, hello there, November. Getting to this spot has been my goal since last October. I had a plan in my head that by this time, I would have extracted myself from James’ abuse and slowly started to heal. Both goals (although an emphasis on slowly must be noted) have been realized. It hasn’t always been pretty, but I’m here. And surrounded by so much love from people who have been brave enough to love me during the darkest time I have ever experienced. I will happily do whatever I can to give back everything that’s been given to me.
I added a picture of a verse from Romans 5:8 as a way of explaining what love has always meant to me. A more complete reading is, “I loved you at darkest, at your most hopeless, at your rock bottom. I loved you at your worst.” I thought of this verse so often (for the record, I don’t know many verses and will be the very first to admit that I tend to run a bit agnositc) when I was with James. That I loved him despite his confusing cruelty and his unpredictable behavior that could span from kindness to abuse in the matter of minutes. And while, yes, I did very much love him admid his darkness, what he offered me was not love. It was never love.
Love is never cruel or unpredictable or abusive. You win no favor by loving someone like James through his darkness. That darkness is pathological and intended to inflict harm upon you. That darkness will destroy the very core of who you are. It is not to be loved through because, quite simply and truthfully, it is not love.