In any reading you may do on ending a relationship with a narcissist, you will see No Contact recommended at every turn. Let me explain it a bit. No Contact means the obvious no calling or texting, driving by their home or finding out about them through secondary sources. It’s also following these essential rules:
- Deleting and blocking them from your social media.
- Deleting and blocking any friends you have in common.
- Deleting and blocking them on your phone or even better…
- Getting a new phone number.
- Getting rid of old texts.
- Getting rid of gifts, mementos or any reminders of your relationship.
- Telling friends and family you do not want to hear updates about the narcissist.
- Writing down the hurtful things your narcissist did and keep that list handy when you are feeling vulnerable and feel the need to contact him.
- Remembering that you are not the disordered one in this equation.
- And, most importantly, no peeking or checking up on the narcissist. Ever.
Some of these suggestions are unrealistic when you are co-parenting or your lives have been so enmeshed that blocking friends is not possible. Totally get that. But for many of us, doing all of the above is very possible. Not only is it possible, it is the only way to survive regaining your life post narcissistic abuse.
Nothing good comes from checking in to see how your abuser is doing. If on the rare chance your abuser is single, you might idealize him, feel tenderness and lose your resolve. If they are with someone, you will come undone. And believe me when I tell you that they are with someone or trying to be with someone or the classic with someone and also trying to line up their next source of supply should their current someone not work out.
As a quick side note, it won’t work out. Please logically take that fact in and also let it sink deep down to your very core. He is not treating his new someone (or the one he is texting in the bathroom while his current someone is waiting patiently for him) better than he treated you. It’s not possible. The mask may stay on longer but he is the same disordered, sick man he was with you.
My point to trusting me on No Contact is this: Contact = Pain & Reliving Trauma. I have not peeked in eight months. Why? I do not want to look at his narcissistic face ONE MORE TIME. Ever. I live so happily forgetting what he looks like and having his features just erase from my mind.
My No Contact record of eight months and counting is something I am very proud of and makes me feel strong. Seeing him smiling on a future-faking trip? Or with his children that I loved with my whole heart? Not at all helpful to me as I recover from the trauma of being with someone disordered in this way.
I would have thrived post-narcissistic abuse in the Pride and Prejudice era. With letter writing and brooding whilst looking out my window onto the lovely English countryside. The idea that when something was done, it was done. And that you had space and time to grieve and heal. Living in a time where you can check up on the narcissist via Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat anytime and anywhere is tempting but counterproductive to the healing process.
The bottom line to No Contact is caring enough about yourself to heal fully from the trauma created intentionally by the narcissist. You deserve that. Quite honestly, he’d love knowing you were looking for him. I urge you to not give him that hit of narcissistic supply. Okay, true, he won’t know that you aren’t peeking. But YOU know that you aren’t. That’s what is important.
Yes, Virginia, there are monsters in this world. Sadly, they look an awful lot like that charming man who sold you a beautiful dream and left you with a nightmare. That girl you once were? She will feel strong again. And she will absolutely love again. I don’t always know much, but I promise you that.