Well, hello there!
I just got a renewal notice for this little space where I can talk freely and honestly about being in an abusive relationship. That renewal reminded me that I haven’t written in forever because I’ve been busy going through a little bit of a renewal of my own.
2015 and 2016 were not kind to me. Thank you, James! Job well done! Bravissimo! He’s got his act down pat, that one. If he could only learn how to cry. James? Quick FYI. Crying involves actually crying. With tears. The liquid, salty stuff. Apparently you don’t produce them. But your pretending skills are amazeballs.
This year has been full of changes, promise and love. There are so many stories I’d like to share and some interesting things I’ve learned along the way about abuse and the small men like James who choose (it’s absolutely and 100% a choice) to abuse.
My life is a completely different one than I was living a year ago. The changes are staggering, with some decisions along the way being very difficult to make. And decisions I would not have ever needed to ponder had James not entered my life. One in particular makes me angry when I fully take in what was lost. That’s a story for another day.
I am very lucky to have no contact with James or links in my current life to his. I am thankful for the legal system and the court order that’s in place from here until eternity to keep him away. With that said, there have been times when I am confident he’s lurked into my life and I’ve made the proper adjustments to keep myself and those I love safe. There are more steps I will soon be taking and, in time, I’ll share those, too.
Let me end by answering the questions I get asked most often:
Did James ever apologize to you?
No. What is it that he said to me once…something to the effect of taking this “idea” of him having abused me and running with it. As if it’s some new club I’ve joined or I’ve found God and want to tell everyone. Or even worse, the implication that he’s done nothing wrong. I truly believe that he has rewritten history into a scenario where I’m crazy and he’s infallible. That’s not how this is at all. I did not enter our relationship wanting anything more than to be loved. Writing about abuse is not a cause I would have ever imagined would have anything to do with me. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out.
In some ways, I think I continue to write because of the apology I’ll never get. Talking about this subject is not a “poor me” scenario or attention seeking. It is advocacy. It is speaking out against something that is extremely difficult to talk about and very much misunderstood. I want what happened to me to make sense or have some kind of meaning.
So back to the original question. No, James has not apologized to me. I don’t believe he ever will. But I will state openly that I wish he would. My cell is the same. Court order or not, if he wanted to apologize, he could.
Whatever happened to James?
I have no idea. I remain blissfully oblivious (fourteen months and counting) of anything James related.